Joshua Ang | Joshua Ang, a Singapore MediaCorp Artist

Someone talked to me today. He told me if you actually allowed yourself to be able to lower down your level of understanding and totally avoid something in life, it actually shows that you have attained another level of maturity in your life.

But I told him no.

I said if  you spend your entire life avoiding someone or something, then it actually meant it still has control over your life. 

I didn’t know why I blurted it out. Nor did I actually understand it when it first came out of me.

Avoidance..

You are simply coping by not giving yourself a chance to cope.

I am not something. Nor I am someone you should be avoiding. 

I didn’t know the things I should’ve known. I didn’t do the things I should’ve done. Now I know the things I should’ve known. Let me do the things that I should do. 

To that someone whom actually held a special place in my heart when I couldn’t realise or see it. You still mean something. In fact,  more than you and I can ever imagine.

That’s right guys I’m back. Anyway I believe my previous entry attracted a lot of attention to me. I’m actually fine. Well, then again maybe not. I was definitely feeling low and down at that moment in time but I guess work has managed to get rid of all the shiet that I’ve been feeling. No, not all, just some. 

I’ve been busy the past few days and I will still be, especially the upcoming month. I’m actually doing another Tv Drama in Dec while still doing my 180 episode drama Your Hand in Mine™, which is already airing. Seriously, I love loading myself with tons and tons of work so I can get away from the shiet that I’m feeling. 

But like I’ve mentioned in the previous entry. I’m not the same as before. I don’t know why. I did something crazy(not wrong) recently and told Joe about it. The look of his face when he asked me if I’m sure. It didn’t make me think twice though. I thought I was sure, and I think I still am. I might not go ahead. Definitely not now. But maybe in the near future I guess, who knows?

I thought I truly existed. But moments just pass by your life like that. Sometimes I wonder, who/what is my justification of existence. Or rather, whose justification of existence actually needs me to complete it.

All I want, is to be given a meaning to my life that I have no right to expect, and that no one can ever take from me. You gave me life. Now show me how to live. 

Sometimes I can’t even make out the words that come out of my mind.